Here we go again

People, seriously, let’s make this easier on everybody involved in your restaurant experience. There are a few things you have to understand.

-First of all, the hostess is not your server so there is no need to make eye contact with her, smile or waist any other politeness on her- or him- whatever, like I said, it doesn’t matter.

-Don’t listen to your server’s name and try to remember it, they only say it to seem special, not so you can call on them if you need anything. The only time you want to notice your server’s name is if it’s something you can make fun of.

-If you’re with a large group, go ahead and assume that everybody wants water. Carrying 10 or 15 tall glasses of water is done in an instant. If the procedure of fetching water glasses that will mostly be left untouched slows down your server, go ahead and take a good chunk out of the intended tip.

-Servers are mentally slow by nature. Always assume they will get your order wrong. Even if they repeat your entire order back to you, it doesn’t mean they understand what they are saying; parrots do that trick all the time.

-However, mind reading is mandatory is waitress-school. Go over how you want your burger cooked at least three times, but don’t tell them you want the pickles on the side and no mayo, they should be able to figure that much out on their own.

-Once the food arrives, make sure not too look too excited as this might indicate satisfaction and hint to the server that you don’t need them anymore. Critically scrutinize your plate, this is the perfect time to put on glasses if you have a pair, and ask for that side of pickles, extra napkins and a refill on the salt shaker, just to make sure your server doesn’t slack off.

-Ask for refills on everything that is refillable free of charge. That’s the whole purpose of free refills. If you will actually eat those fries or drink that coke doesn’t matter one bit. The only way to make sure the glass is not just half full but actually full, is to have it sitting in front of you.

-The doggy bag part can be tricky, you don’t want to have to bag up your food yourself; on the other hand, you can’t trust your server not to steel or tamper with your food when out of sight. The best way to go; do it yourself but make sure they understand how unhappy you are to have to do so and take another good chunk out of the tip.

-Splenda, Equal and all that stuff is free for restaurants, but not for you. Stock up before you leave!

-Make sure you get every single penny of your change back if you pay cash. If you pay with a card, go ahead and take both copies of the slip, it’s a myth that the one that says “business copy” actually has to stay at the business. That’s none of their business, it’s yours.

Enjoy your dining out, but never, ever let on that you are enjoying it. Restaurant staff is not people, they are servers. That’s why they are called servers for crying out loud, so go right ahead and bring the medieval “server and king” style back.